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I’m changing. Evolution is an inevitable force. You must adapt to changing circumstances if you want to survive. Sometimes we like the changes, sometimes we don’t. And more often than not we are unsure whether the changes are good or bad. The trick is finding a core to hold on to. What makes us who we are and keeps us who we are despite the changes?

All I can see are my feet in front of me. I can’t see where I’m going only that I’m not going over a cliff. I know this is supposed to build faith and character but I hate it. I hate it. I know that God has always taken care of me and he still is. Our situation could be so much worse and it isn’t. I can’t ignore his hand in this but at the same time I don’t feel safe. I’m treading water and I can still breathe but I’m terrified of drowning.

We have worked so hard to get our finances under control. We’ve made so many stupid mistakes. And I can’t stand the thought of losing all our progress when all that would be left are the stupid mistakes. My world has been turned upside down in the last three months. I’m in a snow globe watching the pieces fall, fearing the next shake up that I know is coming. How can I stop being afraid? I know what I should say and think. But what do you do when the truth feels like a lie? I’m worn out.

I’m trying my best and it just isn’t enough. Confronting your darkest fears is so much cooler and easier on tv. All I can do is lift my eyes up to where my help comes from. Even if I’m crying and screaming at the sky, he hears me. He’s with me, standing behind me. Supporting me. This won’t be forever. We will make it out of this.

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