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I’m worn. Mike’s surgery went well. He’s healing marvelously but he still has at least three weeks until he can return to work. He feels amazing. I’m drowning. The surgery was worth it to get my husband back but the cost has overwhelmed me almost daily.

This family, with the amount of debt we have collected, cannot run on one income, especially mine. I’m good with numbers but as hard as I work our budget I can’t stretch the money far enough. I’m trying alchemy and contemplating if I really need both my kidneys. I mean two kidneys is just being greedy right? But seriously, I know no matter what I do in this situation it’s not enough. That sounds hopeless. It feels hopeless. And that’s where I am wrong.

God’s strength is made perfect in our weakness. He can’t fill what is already full. I get so caught up in the emptying, so frustrated that all the progress I’ve worked so hard for is gone that I lose sight of the rescue. I’m drowning, losing hope, ready to succumb to my failures and obstacles and my lungs won’t stop sucking air. Each breath hurts worse than the last and only prolongs what feels like the inevitable. And then somehow when I really, REALLY, can’t take another breath God fishes me out of the drink. “Relax, I’ve got you.” He whispers. “You know I’d never let harm come to you.” We must have different definitions.

I can’t give up. I can’t do it. I’m hardwired stubborn. Failure may be an option I’m much too good at and sometimes I accept failures that aren’t mine but giving up has never been an option no matter how attractive. If I can keep my eyes on Jesus, the one who walked on stormy seas, then I too can quit drowning and do the impossible. I will not be in debt forever and debt will not be the legacy I leave my daughter. It may take longer than I want but we will make it out of this, and we will be stronger for it. Take courage and keep sucking air my friends.

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