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I feel like this has been a rough winter. The weather has been beautiful but I have so many coworkers, friends, and family who have lost someone close to them in the last few months. The holidays are supposed to bring celebration and joy but grief has stepped in in a big way overshadowing everything else. It’s times like these we want to be near, embrace, say something, anything to ease the pain.
I’m sad. Not so much for the dead but for those who will miss them. I hate seeing people hurting.
I don’t seem like the type but I analyse everything and sometimes I over analyse. I can get lost in my head. Sometimes I do it on purpose so I don’t have to feel what I don’t understand. What I’ve learned is this: There are two ways to acknowledge pain and grief. You can look at the shattered remains of your life, the scars and missing pieces and drown in despair. Life has been unfair and unjust to you and there is no hope. Or you can look back on all the crap and hardship and see everything you’ve survived, everything God has brought you through.
When I’m in the middle of fresh grief I’ll admit sometimes I throw a pity party for one. But once I pull out of it and regain my reason I look back and compare. I look back at all the things that broke my heart and I say, ” I thought I’d never be the same after that” or, “I thought I’d never stop crying but I’m ok now. It was the end of the world then but now it doesn’t seem so big. I survived that, I can survive this.”
I’m rather proud of my physical scars. They all have stories. I have emotional scars, which I think hurt worse, but they all have stories too. And anyone who knows me knows I’m a sucker for a good story.
Danny Gokey sings a song called, “tell your heart to beat again.” I’ve wished to turn my heart to stone so I couldn’t feel pain anymore but that isn’t an option. Everyone wants to know how you keep going after loss but there is no magic answer, you just do. You wake up, take a deep breath, and tell your heart to beat again. God will give you the strength you need if you just ask. It may not be how you expect but one day you will realize the ache has dulled and you’ve survived. It may only feel like a small comfort but understand that it is a huge victory.