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I like crime dramas. No surprise there for those who know me. I like the drama, the story, the plot. I’m drawn in by the insight into human nature even as twisted as it is. Most of it ties up neatly unlike real life. You get closure. It makes you appreciate what you have and makes you hold your children and loved ones that much tighter.

I will admit they make me a little paranoid if I’ve been binging. I can’t watch an episode where a child is kidnapped or harmed without crying or sneaking up to the nursery to check on my own. It is scary seeing what people are capable of. But I guess I like to see how people react. Bad situations can break people. We’ve all seen it happen. But they can also make us stronger, kinder, more compassionate and understanding. Sometimes it is the hardest, ugliest times in our lives that make us better people because we refuse to give up.

My mom was an alcoholic when I was growing up and it was painful and hard. Now that she is sober again those are years she wishes she could take back and do over. No one wants to hurt the ones they love. No one wants to admit they are broken. She says she’s sorry for putting me through all that and I tell her I’m not. And I mean it. I hated every minute of it. It hurt and I still have emotional scars that I will probably carry my whole life. But those dark moments made me who I am today and I’m ok with that. When things get hard and I worry that I will buckle under the stress or that my heart will shatter into a million pieces never to be rebuilt, I remember everything I have been through and how God brought me through it all. He has always been faithful, why would He stop now? I remember just how strong I can be when I have no other choice. I’m just too stubborn to roll over and die.

Crime dramas remind me of how good I had/have it even when it’s ugly. They make me think. I know, thinking is dangerous; it can set your hair on fire. I guess I’m a bit strange, always have been. I kind of like that raw emotion feeling, like rubbing sandpaper on exposed nerves. It hurts but it lets me know I’m alive and strong. I have been so depressed that I didn’t feel anything. The numbness almost scared me but even the fear was sucked into my oblivion. After escaping that, even pain is an acceptable reminder of what I have and how precious it is. So, in short, my obsession with crime dramas may be dark but it’s only because it makes me see the light so much brighter by comparison.

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