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Why are grief and panic such strong emotions? How can they smolder unnoticed under the surface of everyday life overwritten by monotony and even joy only to spring to life like fire to kindling out of the blue? How can I be perfectly well and happy or at least distracted one minute and overcome the next? Why is keeping control a constant battle? I get so weary of being blindsided by emotion. I know once they mood passes the sun will shine and I’ll be happy again but sometimes it feels like I’m lying to myself.

Sometimes I wonder if I hide from my emotions instead of processing them. I have an interest in the macabre crime dramas perhaps because they are entertaining but also because I can dissociate. I can relate to the darkness in the world, feel the fear, the anger, the sadness but I can also feel the relief and satisfaction of a resolution I may not get from life. I will admit, it is easier to hide, to pretend the darkness isn’t real, that there can be a resolution. Some days when the mood strikes it takes all I have to hold it together. Relax, this is not one of those days. These days make me grateful that I not only have a God who has my back but who can also hold my hand. My God can wrap one arm around me, cover me with the shadow of his wings, and fight off the demons I’m too weak to fight.

Welcome to the nature of depression, my friends, and welcome to its cure. Even on my darkest days I know deep down I’m never alone, even when the rest of me believes I am. I’ve lost track of how many times He’s saved my life. He’s the hand that won’t let go even when I’m shaking Him off. He is that mustard seed of faith, that ray of hope no matter how small. It isn’t instant and it isn’t effortless but it works. Welcome to the nature of depression, my friends, and welcome to its cure.

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