Return of the Voyager

I’m sorry it’s been so long since my last post. Life, as usual, in my house has been chaos. We could possibly classify it as somewhat organized chaos but still. We are transitioning yet again. It seems like a never ending process.
Mike has officially quit his old job and gotten his CDL which he’s been wanting to do for a while now. It’s been almost two months of training, crappy pay and crazy hours but theoretically now that he had his license the real money should start. Which is good because we are a little behind and need vehicle repairs pretty badly. But we are on the upswing now.
I just finished watching the movie Moana for the fifth or so time trying to pinpoint why I resonate with it so much. I can relate to Moana in that I know what is expected of me even though I feel like I can’t be that person. Not the way other people are. I always swam upstream, did my own thing trying to do the right thing whether anyone agreed with me or not.
It’s terrifying. I spend much of my life feeling inadequate to the job I’ve been called yet far too stubborn to give up. I do what I must for the people I love. I am a voyager, explorer, wayfinder. I don’t travel in strait lines and see in black and white. I’m creative and I try to find every shade of the rainbow even when things are dark and bleak. I try to see the potential, the good in people.
Spoiler alert: Moana defeats Te Kah with compassion by reminding her who she used to be not by using brute force. And that is very much my style. I want to live people, make them feel worthy, give them a reason to be better. My kids do that for me. I am strong for them, I am kind and patient for them, I step out of my comfort zone every day to teach them that you don’t have to be who others say you are and you don’t have to stay where you are. Chase the horizon. Go beyond the reef. Be more and do more than you ever thought possible. It’s who God made you to be.

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Pets and Children 

They say having a pet will make you live longer.  I think it just makes us better people.  Just like having a child,  something depends on you to take care of it. 

When I had my daughter my whole life turned on its head.  Instead of being about me, everything was about her, still is for the most part.  It’s crazy to think that someone totally depends on you.  But it does make you step up and be a better person.  For whatever reason, it’s easier to do that for someone else than for ourselves. 

That, my friends, is why we have pets and children.  True story. 

Hope Frustrated 

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I am a creature of hope. But even hope gets frustrated.  We love whom we love even when  we see the writing on the wall. “Impending train wreck. Brace for impact.” Yet still, we hope and pray that they will change course.  Hope that something somewhere will change their ways.  Maybe we, I,  didn’t pray hard enough. 

I throw up a prayer when I think of it but most of  the time I tell myself I don’t have the energy to worry about what I can’t control. What if my faith matched my hope?  Maybe then the people I love would stop hurting, and  stop hurting each other. I know it’s not my fault but what if I could be doing more?  Could I make a difference? 

Woodwork

I like working with my hands. I like woodworking especially.  It may be hard work but there is nothing like the feel and the smell of wood. Watching something form from bits and pieces is rewarding. 

Life is similar.  You take stock of what you have and what you need and make a plan.  You picture what you want and try to fit the pieces together to make it. Sometimes you miscalculate and have to start over or figure how to fix it. 

It can be frustrating and certainly time consuming but seeing the finished product is well worth it. I wonder if that’s how God feels about us.

What Do I Say?

My daughter isn’t even three and I am already planning what to say to her when she wants to dress like all the other girls. What will I say?

Grandma never would have let me out of the house dressed like that. I won’t let you either.  I love you too much.  You are beautiful and you should be proud of your sexuality but it just isn’t safe. Bad things happen here everyday because some people disagree with that sentiment and some people want to take advantage of it. 

Maybe we put too much focus on what shouldn’t be. Maybe instead of being desensitized to sex we’ve been hypersensitized to it. Rebellion is normal even healthy to an extent but is our morality going so far it pushes you, our children, in the opposite direction?  Maybe the less “modest” countries have the “right” idea.  

Like gun control or France and drinking if it were put in a safe, everyday context maybe our children would understand the cause and effect better and we wouldn’t have such a problem.  Would it still be forbidden fruit if we talked and acted as if the idea were everyday normal? Why can’t we see the body as beautiful without it being a sex machine?  Isn’t there a balance to be found somewhere? 

Difficulty Level Unspecified

“All things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to his purposes.” Sounds great,  right?  Funny thing,  no matter how many times I read that I can’t find the difficulty rating.  It doesn’t say everything will run smoothly for those who love God.  It surely doesn’t in my life and I have a lot of love to give. 

I about to turn 30 this year and I depend on my parents after much now as I did before I moved out,  got married,  and became a parent.  Being an adult is hard.  Being a parent is harder. I can see my parents struggling but somehow no mastery what I need they show up. Somehow despite their mistakes and set backs they rock being parents. 

I pray that God makes me into that type of parent (although I am going to try to do better financially). I take comfort that everything crashing around my shoulders isn’t random or pointless. It is creating a chance for my parents to model the type of parent I want to be for Corinne. It is making me more compassionate and understanding.  And after all the things I’ve lost,  broken,  and MacGyvered I should know a thing or two when Corinne hits those same potholes.  Hopefully all these hurdles will enable me to be there when she needs me. 

God is good all the time. Is life good all the time….no. There are ups and downs,  usually at the same time with me. It’s like some weird emotional exercise machine. But let’s face it, that’s all the workout I have time for.  Keep walking my friends. We all do what we must.  Let it make us better people because of it.

Easter surprise… not really 

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I am an emotional person. Shocker.  I know.  I tend to be drawn to movies and shows with a lot of drama,  melodrama, and even the occasional bit of angst. As long as the characters are well rounded I’m engaged.  I believe in experiencing the full spectrum of emotion.  

A lot of people I know only want to feel the good while others get stuck and can’t move past the bad.  I have had a fortunate and blessed life so far. I would consider it mostly good. But I have most defiantly had my share of pain,  destruction,  drama,  and yes,  angst.  I’m alive.

As long as I’m sucking wind I will continue to feel weather I like it or not. That is why I have chosen to look my fears and pain in the face, to see past them to the beauty that hides,  very well sometimes, in everything. God can make anything beautiful.  Of course one of my favorite songs is Better than a Hallelujah by Amy Grant . “We pour out our misery, God just hears a melody. Beautiful the mess we are.  The honest cries of breaking hearts,  are better than a Hallelujah.” 

Who says we must be perfect and put together all the time?  Who says broken can’t be beautiful in its own right? The trials we face, the obstacles we overcome build us into better people if we let them. If you look for the worst in people you’ll find it, every time.  The same is true for goodness and beauty. God made everything beautiful but sometimes you have to go looking for it. Isn’t that the whole point of Easter?  The most perfect person ever chose to die a horrible death then trumped death to give us life.  Beautiful. 

Adulting

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Having a child doesn’t make you a parent any more than having sex makes you a man or real woman. It’s everything that comes after that matters.  Being an adult is learning to take care of others and do things you may not want to to do what you have to. Real love is a marathon not a sprint.  

Our society is more into instant gratification than long term commitment.  Having sex may seem like a small act but it can end up with a long term commitment.  Some people keep the child but are unprepared for parenthood. Being a parent is hard. I also believe it is more rewarding than taxing but then again I wanted to be a parent.  Loving a child means more than keeping one alive. 

What am I driving at? Be more than a warm body for the ones you love, especially your kids.  Some days that is difficult. I have a very active 2 year old.  Some days I get home from work and all I can do is sit next to her while she plays. Then the next day I’m freezing my butt off because I know she wants to play outside even though the weather is less than favorable. I may not always be the best parent but I try and I just try to be there for her for whatever she needs. 

Love and Green Grass

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The grass may be greener on the other side but their water bill is higher. Your grass can be greener if you choose to water it, to put in the effort and resources. Marriage takes work. All relationships do.  We are socially conditioned to see love a certain way. All chocolate and roses, romantic getaways and sex whenever you want it. However, real life tends to disagree and alter this perception.

Real life and real love gets messy. It’s frustrating and hard and painful. But it is also one of the greatest sources of safety, support, comfort, and joy. Love is a complicated thing. It may be easy to fall in love just as it may be easy to buy a car however we all know how much work and money goes into the upkeep of our prized vehicles. Relationships take work to maintain but they are well worth the effort.

It is easy to look at what others have and think I want that. But how often do we think about the cost of what they have. I don’t know if I can make this point clear enough, strong enough. Relationships and real love take work. If it’s all easy all the time I’d be looking for the storm coming. Unpleasant things such as arguments and rough patches give us the tools and the strength to weather the bigger storms life throws our way. It also builds a sense of confidence that your partner and you can survive anything as long as you work together. God made us relational people for a reason. We are stronger together than alone. Be strong. God bless.

The Little Things

They say it’s the little things in life that can mean the most.  The little things that are the easiest to ignore, to skip over. How many messes have been created from ignoring the little things?  Socks on the floor,  dishes in the sink,  words unsaid. 

We are tired or busy so we don’t do what we know we should even though it’s easy and will only take a few minutes.  Then things pile up. It takes so much more effort and time to clean up the things we ignored. Then we miss out on little moments because we are worrying about messes we could have avoided. 

Take a few minutes today to pick up the blocks,  or the socks, or the dishes and use the time you just saved to enjoy the people around you.  They will notice.